How Introverts Can Work With Extroverts

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How Introverts Can Work With Extroverts

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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 1/10)PXUP$POOFDUXJUI&YUSPWFSUTJTI4UFQTUP)FMQ*OUSPWFSUT$SFBUF#PVOEBSJFT5IBU8PSL5(*+.#*Ipentthefirt15earofmlifewonderingwheveronewaalwainmpace.Itriedmettoequietandtaoutofpeoplewa,uttherealwaeemedtoeenoughofthempuhingintomule.Thelookedatme,talkedtome,touchedme,andotherwieinvadedaoundarthateemedelf-evidenttome,utovioulnottothem.Deepdown,Ilikedpeople,utwatherereallthatmuchtogoonaout?Ithenpentthenext15earofmlifefeelingangraouthowmuchtheworldeemedintentonintrudingintompace.Atthetime,Ithoughtofmreactionaomekindofpunk-rock-piritedreellion.TheworldwaTheMan,anditwaouttowringfrommewhatitcouldwithoutmuchthoughtformwelfare.ToatardizeomeWilliamWordworth,theworldwatoomuchwithme.6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 2/10Atthetime,IdidntrealizethatIwaanintrovert,experiencingacommonutaetrareltalkedaoutnon-phenomenonIcallxtrovertJuteingxtrovert.Motpeopleeemedtowanttogotothemall,hangoutinaclu,goonroadtrip,andeatfalafeltogether,andthewantedtotalkaoutallofitallofthetime.Ichoetohangack,tickacigaretteinmmouth,growoutmang,andattemptthepotureofadiaffectedpoet.Iwaeverocharming.thetimeIhitm30(Iwaalateloomer),IrealizedthatImightepartoftheprolem.IfiguredoutthattheextrovertinmlifeproalonleemedmoreaggreivetomeecaueofmlargerneedforperonalpaceandthatIhadntdevelopedthekilltoexprewhatmoundariewerewithanclarit.Forintance,aperonwouldapproachmeatworkandaomethinglike,Thireportigreat,utIwanttochataoutaniueonpage21withounow.Thiianormalrequet,utifitwadeliveredurprieinahallwaorfromehindinmcuicle,itoundedlikeTHIRPORT[heavreathing]PROLM[didhehavetacoforlunch?]NOWNOWNOW.xternall,IdicuedthereportlikeIimaginedanormalhumaneingwauppoedto,utinternallIattledtheurgetocurlupinmcuicleandlockeveroneoutforacoupleofhour.IfeltathoughIwereunderattack.6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 3/10Itendtoeonthefartherendoftheintroverionpectrum,ifthatintalreadclear,oIprefertoeapproachedaitlikeouwouldanervoucat:donttaredirectlatme,idleupeidemeratherthancomeatmeheadon,andpeakoftlletIdartehindtheofa.Tringtoehavelikeanextrovertwhiledeperatelwantingomethingeletohappenwanotfairtomfriendlextrovert.HowcouldtheknowthehadoverteppedanoundariewhenIrefuedtocommunicatewhatthewere?Howcouldweecomeettercoworkerorfriendifmreponewatohutdownratherthantoinitiateaninteractionthatworked?Itwatimeformetodevelopettercommunicationkillandtopleavingawakeofextrovertehindmewonderingwhatthehellwentwrong.OnethingIlearnedaImaturedoutofthio-calledouthfulreellionwathi:ifthewholeworldeemlikeitagaintou,itproalint.Iegantoeethatifanextrovertwaehavinginawathatfeltnaturalandgoodtothemandmotoftheotherpeopletheknew,themightnotealetoeewhIwauncomfortale,andmaejutmaeitwaometimeuptometoeffectthechangeIneededtoehapp.Withalittleinternalfine-tuningandalotofcourage,IdecidedthatImightealetodealwithotherhumaneinginawathatwouldteachthem6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 4/10howtodealwithmewhiletillpreervingmneedforpaceandalonetime.Whoknew?Imightactuallfindoutthattheplanetwaapretthopitaleplace.poileralert:theworldcanactualleapretthopitaleplace.1. Ownourpace.Giveourelfpermiiontoownthepaceouinhait.Theleextrovertedamonguoftentreatpulicpaceathoughitelongtoeveroneutu.Rememerthattheworldijutamuchouraitianoneele.Itinotanextrovertdomainthatoujuthappentoeviiting.Plantourfeet,imaginethatthegroundeneaththemiour,anddontcedeourwilloutofhait.AndImeanthatliterallwhenIaplantourfeet.Takeamoreolidtance,withourfeetetlightlapartfromeachother.Feelingphicallmoretaleandgroundedgoealongwatowardaparallelpchologicalhift.2. xpreourneed.Indicatewhenouroundariehaveeenovertepped.Thiiamuchaoutrepectingourelfaitiaoutmaintainingarepectfulrelationhipwithomeoneele.Itlettheotherperonknowthatoucareaoutourrelationhipwiththemecaueouwanttocreateaconnectionthatcontinuetowork,anditetaneaexpectationthecanmeet.(Motofuhaveaninternalpuppthatlikerewardforgoodehavior.)Youdonot6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 5/10necearilneedtoexpreourneedveralltomakethemknown,oitdoenthavetoecomeanawkwardconveration.ometimedoingomethingaimpleaholdingourookatanangleinfrontofoutoutlforcealargergapetweenouandtheotherperonwilleenoughtocommunicateourneedformorepace.Iftheinteractionilikeltoerepeated,theearlierouconfrontitinourrelationhip,theleuncomfortaleitwille.Ifouwaituntilomeonehaalreadoverteppedouroundarie10or20time,whatoriginallwouldhaveimpletourcommunicationpacecancomeoffaargumentative.Andrememer:motextrovertedpeoplearenotconcioultringtotakeoverourpace,andehavingathoughthatthecaewonthelpeitherofou.2a.Growecurit.Knowthatwhenouareclearaoutaoundarwithomeone,ourrelationhipwiththatperoncanecometrongerandmoreecurewithoutinvitingmoreintruion.Nomatterhowawkwarditfeeltoouatthetimeandhowmuchourfightorflightreflexmightmakeouthinktheconequencewillecalamitourememerthatpeopleloveclearoundarie.Clearoundariecreateclearexpectation,andclearexpectationallowutoundertandeachothervalueandcommunicateinwathatonduratherthanhurtu.Thetelltheotherperonthatouvaluethem,andthecanhelpouetacommunicationpacethatwillletouengagewithoutfeelingtheneedto6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 6/10hutdown.2.Acceptdicomfort.Communicatingourneedtoomeonemightmakeouuncomfortale,andthatoka.Humaneing,regardleofwherethelandontheextroverion/introverionpectrum,generallavoiddicomfortecauethingthatareuncomfortalearentfun.Whileitmighteemeaiertotepawafromconflict,coniderthi:whenitcometoconequence,itimoredeiraletofeeluncomfortaleforamomentthanreentfulforever.Thihaeenoneofmhardet-wonleon.Ratherthanfeelthedicomfortofmakingmwiheknown,Iuedtoackdownwithoutaecondthoughtandthenholdmoverteppedimaginaroundarieagainttheotherperon.utifouletaperonknowwhatouneed,ouwilleinforomepleaanturprie.Motpeoplewanttofeelliked,andthattartwiththemknowinghowtointeractwithouinawathatothofoucanundertand.3. Collaorate(ecauethiintaattle).uggetanalternativewafortheinteractiontogodown,andmakeadeciiontogether.Motpeoplewhoapproachoudontintendtoexpreanit-m-wa-or-the-highwaattitude,andthemightactualllikeourideaetter.Infact,thatmightewhthereinteractingwithouinthefirtplacethelikeou,andthelikehowoudothingohelpfindagoodplanforourcommunication.oundar-ettinginotequivalenttowall-uilding.Itaoutfindingcommonground6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 7/10together.Oncemore,withfeeling:ettingaoundarinotequivalenttouildingawall.ettingaoundarhelpoufindcommongroundtogether.Youreproalthinkingthatthialloundvernice,uthowtheheckdoeitplaout?Herehowitplaedoutformeduringthefirt30earofmlife,illutratedaaimplepla:Joetopmearuptlinanofficehallwa,catchingmeurprieecaueIwaupinmheadhavingthought.JO:THIRPORT[heavreathing]PROLM[headwaveofhitacolunch]NOWNOWNOW.M:[hrinkingackait]ure,oka.Forhourafterward,Ihakeofftre,cureJoeforaumingmtimeihitime,andrelivehicloe-talkingtacoreathinquealowmotion.Allofourfutureinteractionaremetwithanxiet.HerehowIlearnedtohandletheituationonceIfiguredoutthatJoeproalwantthataggreiveandthatmaeheandIjuthaddifferentocialtle:tep1.Ownourpace6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 8/10M:[IeeJoecoming,takeadeeperandtailizingreath,andetmfeetalightditanceapart.]tep2.xpreourneedandtep2a.GrowecuritJO:Thireportigreat,utIwanttochataoutaniueonpage21withounow.Itakeatepackandholdafolderatanangleinfrontofmetocreatephicalpace.M:Ihavetofilethifirtandhaveaquickmeeting.Canouaddittoourcalendarforthiafternoon?tep2.AcceptdicomfortIfeelaituncomfortaleecaueheidemandingtotalktomerightawa,utIlllive.Plu,aahugeonu,Iveetalihedaprecedentforettingmeetinginthecalendarratherthanurpriingmeinthehallwa.tep3.Collaorate(tep2a.Growecuritremaininplaecauethatthemagicofclearoundarie.Theoftenkeepworkingaftertheareinplace.)JO:How3p.m.?M:Thatworkforme!NowImhapptohavegivenmelftimetogathermthought,andJoedoenteemaimpoing.6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 9/10JO:Willdo.Hemile.HehapptohaveaolidplanandfeellikeIvaluehiinput.Likewithanthingwelearntodowell,ittakepracticetoundertandhowettingoundarieworkandfeel,utonceoudo,itmucheaiertoconnectandinteractwithotherwithoutincidentallhuttingthemdownorgivingupourvalualeperonaltimeandpace.Ofcoure,ittilluefultodonthediaffectedpoettancenowandagainifnothingele,itafunparttrick!utlearninghowtoociallcarveoutpaceformelfratherthanfeelforcedtowithdrawforelf-preervationhaeenpowerfulothformelf-confidenceandformailittoconnectwell,andometimemoredeepl,withpeoplewhoonceeemedalientome.Imratherfondofextroverttheeda.Andtheworldwhileittilloftentoomuchwithmeinolongeragaintme.JoinQuietRevolutiontoreadstoriesthatinspireyou.Signupforournewsletterforinsightsonwork,relationships,psychology,parentingandmore.You'llalsoreceiveafreeebook,ThePowerofIntroverts:9BestLovedStoriesbySusanCain.Pleaseprovideyournameandemail,alongwithhowoftenyouwouldliketohearfromus.6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtrovertshttp://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 10/10

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